"Remember that the windshield is bigger than the rear-view mirror, because where you're going is more important than where you've been."
And I was doing pretty good with that yesterday. Until....
I don't know what some people are thinking. Or maybe that's the problem. They aren't thinking, not about anyone other than themselves. They sure as hell aren't thinking about how their actions may affect someone else, or their gloating may cause someone else pain. Regardless of whether it was intentional or not, some need to realize that what they're doing is hurtful. To someone who has already been hurt far more than necessary. I don't need these wounds to continuously be opened. I'm trying to heal here. I don't want to keep looking at the rear-view mirror. I'm trying to focus on the windshield.
Except, it's kinda hard to do because I feel like I'm stuck in the damn glove box or something. Just kinda hanging there in between the two, not ever going to go backwards but soooo not yet ready to see what's coming at me through that windshield.
Some people think I shouldn't be talking to Tramp's hubby. Because of the very reason I wrote about above. I put it out there to him that if he ever needed to talk, I was there. And I mean it. But... when he starts providing info on things happening between Jim and her, the wounds are freaking ripped opened. I've never asked for info on them, he just started talking and talking and talking the other night. And I sooo did not need to hear a lot of it. But of course he didn't realize what he was doing to me, he doesn't realize that while he's been going through this since October, I have only been in this position for just a couple weeks and that everything is very raw for me still. He's proposed we meet up for drinks or a movie, and I know he needs friends because Tramp ran all his off throughout the course of their marriage... I even have tinkered with the thought of "adopting" him, so to speak. But I definitely think more time needs to pass before we can hang out so that when he does start talking about Jim and Tramp, I don't completely freaking lose it again. And I know he has no clue he had this effect on me the other night, but he did. And unfortunately others did too without realizing it, as well.
I haven't slept well at all the past 3 nights. Like tossing and turning and not falling asleep until 3ish. Ugh! I need my sleep.
Last night was more of the same -- a lot of restlessness, lots of waking up, and very little sleep. But there was a dream. I was swinging. And singing. And it is driving me crazy I cannot remember the song because I feel it means something. But it was the whole dang song, and I was belting that sucker out with all my heart. As I was swinging.
It's stuck with me all morning.
What the heck was that song?!?!?!?!
"To sing in your dream represents happiness, harmony and joy in some situation or relationship. You are uplifting others with your positive attitude and cheerful disposition. Singing is a way to celebrate, communicate, and express your feelings. You are changing your mood and experiencing a more positive outlook on life."
Yeah... I don't know if I agree lol. I feel the dang song was more symbolic that anything else, but I cannot remember even a part of it.
I hope I sleep better tonight. I've got so much weighing on me, I need rest but it's that same stuff that's weighing on me that is keeping me from sleeping at night. I am gonna have to get the PET scan. That's a definite. I stepped on the scale at work this morning and disagreed with what it had to say, so I stepped off and back on again. Got the same dang result. They gave me 6 weeks to only lose a pound or two. I lost two pounds since Friday alone. And that's with Mi Pueblo thrown in there. The next 5-1/2 weeks should be interesting. The grand total is... just mind-blowing. If I was trying to lose all this, I would be shouting the number out to every person that would listen. But when you're not trying, it's a very huge and very scary number.
But enough of that. I need to find a windshield to look out of.